I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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