i wish peter jackson would direct porn
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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