I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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