He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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