I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
