I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
