if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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