that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
