Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
