I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
