i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
why do cheetos always look like penises
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Randomize
