Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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