there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
