omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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