He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize