I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
