ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
