Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
