I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize