Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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