She's JV to your varsity
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
