If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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