3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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