he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
