forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
