I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
