I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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