I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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