Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
