im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
