this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
