Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
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