Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
