Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
