I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
