i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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