Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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