3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
The struggles of a small town man whore
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
