My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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