I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
