no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
