Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
