like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
two words...techno handjob
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
