plz talk dirty to me
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
