I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
