You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
