i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
