how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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