I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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