honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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