in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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