i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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