I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
