i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
