DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize
