I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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