anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
