Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm too high and old for this...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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