I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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